It's not defiance. It's not drama. Here's what's actually happening — and what to do about it.
By Dr. Kristin Kroll, PhD • Licensed Psychologist • Little Dove Consulting PLLC
6:47 AM. Your kid is dressed. Backpack is packed. Lunch is made. You're actually ahead of schedule for once in your life.
And then it starts.
"My stomach hurts."
"I don't feel good."
"I can't go today."
"Please don't make me go."
And now you're standing in your kitchen in one shoe, holding a granola bar, trying to figure out if your child is actually sick — or if this is anxiety wearing a stomachache costume. Again.
If this is your morning — even sometimes — I want you to know something: your kid is not being dramatic. And you are not failing.
I'm a child psychologist, and this is one of the most common things I see in my practice. School refusal — when a child consistently resists or refuses to attend school — affects roughly 8–10% of kids at some point. And it's been climbing since the pandemic in ways that are hard to ignore.
Here's what most parents don't realize: school refusal is almost never about defiance. It's anxiety.
When your child's nervous system perceives school as a threat — socially, academically, sensorily — their brain does exactly what brains are supposed to do when they detect danger: it says NO. That's not a behavior problem. That's a stress response doing its job.
8–10% of children experience school refusal at some point in their school years. It peaks during transitions — starting kindergarten, moving to middle school, or after a disruption like a pandemic, a move, or a family change.
And those stomachaches? They're real.
Anxiety lives in the body. The headaches, the nausea, the "my legs feel weird" — those are real physical symptoms produced by a real stress response. Your child isn't faking. Their body is telling the truth about how overwhelmed they feel.
When we dismiss the physical symptoms ("You're fine, let's go"), we accidentally send the message that their experience doesn't count. And that makes the anxiety louder, not quieter.
Here's what I've seen work — both in my practice and in my own house on hard mornings:
Before problem-solving, before logic, before "but you had fun yesterday" — start with: "I can see this feels really scary." When a child feels heard, their nervous system starts to settle. When they feel dismissed, it escalates.
Anxiety hates surprises. Same wake-up time, same routine, same order. It sounds boring. That's the point. Boring is safe for an anxious brain. When a child knows exactly what's coming next, their body can relax into the rhythm instead of bracing for the unknown.
Don't lead with "you have to go to school for seven hours." Lead with "Can you get dressed? That's the only thing we're doing right now." Then the next small step. Then the next. An anxious brain can't process the whole mountain — give them one rock at a time.
This one is huge. "You can feel scared AND still go. Both things are true at the same time." This teaches your child that anxiety is not a stop sign — it's information. They can feel it and move through it. This is one of the most powerful skills an anxious child can learn.
A warm handoff to a trusted teacher or counselor changes everything. If your child knows that someone safe is waiting for them on the other end, the transition gets easier. Ask the school about a check-in system or a soft landing plan — most schools are happy to help when they understand what's happening.
"Just get in the car" might work on a Tuesday. But if the underlying anxiety isn't addressed, the resistance gets louder.
Forcing them in doesn't teach them they can cope. It teaches them nobody's listening.
I know how tempting it is to just push through. You're running late. You have a meeting. Other parents seem to do this effortlessly. But what looks like a quick fix often deepens the problem. The child who gets forced into school without support doesn't learn resilience — they learn that their feelings don't matter.
That doesn't mean you accommodate the avoidance forever. The goal is to help your child move toward school with support, not to drag them there with force.
You are not failing your child.
You are parenting a child whose nervous system runs hot. That's not your fault. And it's not theirs.
You don't have to fix this by tomorrow morning. You just have to keep showing up — calm, steady, and on their side.
That IS the intervention.
A regulated parent with a predictable routine is the most powerful anxiety treatment that exists for a child. You don't need a perfect morning. You need a consistent one. And you need to believe — even on the hardest days — that your presence matters more than your performance.
And if you had a rough morning today? Deep breath. Tomorrow is another try. You're doing harder work than most people realize.
If school refusal is happening multiple times a week, lasting more than a few weeks, or getting worse over time, it may be time to work with a child psychologist. Therapy approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and gradual exposure can help your child build the coping skills they need — at a pace that respects their nervous system.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
Ready to get support? We offer free 15-minute consultations for Texas families. Call (512) 240-2633 or contact us online.