And What to Say Instead — From a Child Psychologist Who Still Gets It Wrong Sometimes
By Dr. Kristin Kroll, PhD • Licensed Psychologist
(512) 240-2633Here’s the thing about being trained as a psychologist and also being a mom: you know all the right things to say. And then it’s 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, your kid is crying about a sock, you’ve already poured your second cup of coffee, and you blurt out something your grad school professors would be appalled by.
I say the “wrong” things too. Especially before 8 AM.
So this post isn’t about doing it perfectly. It’s about getting it right more often than not — and knowing what to do when you catch yourself mid-sentence saying something that’s not going to help your anxious kid one bit.
Here are the seven things I’ve trained myself (and the parents I work with) to stop saying — and what to say instead.
STOP SAYING
“Don’t worry about it.”
SAY INSTEAD
“That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”
Why: Anxious kids don’t have an on/off switch. Telling them not to worry when their brain is already worrying is like telling someone not to think about pink elephants — they just think about pink elephants more. Validating the feeling lets their nervous system settle enough to actually problem-solve.
STOP SAYING
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
SAY INSTEAD
“I can see this feels scary. We’ll get through it together.”
Why: Your kid’s brain is telling them there’s absolutely something to be scared of. When you deny that, they hear “you can’t trust your own feelings.” That’s a terrible lesson long-term. Instead, name what’s real (this feels scary) and communicate safety (we’ll get through it).
STOP SAYING
“You’re fine!”
SAY INSTEAD
“What would help you feel more ready?”
Why: “You’re fine” is a sentence we say to reassure ourselves, not our kids. It shuts down the conversation and leaves your child alone with the feeling. Asking what would help puts them in the driver’s seat and teaches problem-solving — which is the whole point.
STOP SAYING
“Just calm down.”
SAY INSTEAD
“Let’s take three big breaths together.”
Why: If your child knew how to calm down, they’d already be doing it. “Calm down” is a command without instructions. Modeling the calm — by doing the breathing with them — co-regulates their nervous system through yours. It works even when you don’t think it’s working.
STOP SAYING
“Stop being so dramatic.”
SAY INSTEAD
“This feels really big right now. Big feelings are okay.”
Why: “Dramatic” is just a word grown-ups invented for kids having feelings bigger than we’d like them to. The feelings are not the problem. The behavior might be — but we address the behavior separately. Feelings are always okay. Kicking your sister because of the feelings, less so.
STOP SAYING
“Big kids don’t cry about this.”
SAY INSTEAD
“Everyone cries sometimes. What do you need right now?”
Why: This one hurts. It teaches kids that having emotions means they’ve failed at growing up. Adults I see in therapy — the ones who can’t feel their feelings, can’t ask for help, can’t cry when their dog dies — often got this message young. Let’s not do that.
STOP SAYING
“We’re going to be late! GO!”
SAY INSTEAD
“I know mornings are hard. I’ll stay close while you get ready.”
Why: When an anxious kid is moving slowly, they’re not doing it at you. Their nervous system is overloaded, which makes them slower, not faster. Yelling dumps more stress into an already-overwhelmed body. Proximity and a calm voice are a shortcut out the door. (Also: “we’re going to be late” is usually more about your stress than theirs. I’m saying this with love.)
None of these swaps are magic. Saying the “right” sentence while gritting your teeth and rolling your eyes doesn’t work either — kids read tone before words. The real skill is regulating yourself first, then meeting your kid where they are.
And when you mess it up — because you will, and I do too — repair is what matters. A simple “Hey, I said something that wasn’t helpful a minute ago. Can we try again?” teaches your kid more about healthy relationships than getting it right the first time ever would.
You’re not going to talk your child out of anxiety with the perfect phrase. But you can change the nervous system they grow up in, one sentence at a time.
Is your child struggling with anxiety?
Virtual therapy with a licensed child psychologist can help. I work with Texas families navigating anxiety, ADHD, school refusal, and big emotions.
Schedule a Free Consultation →Dr. Kristin Kroll is a licensed psychologist and founder of Little Dove Psychology, providing virtual therapy to children, teens, and parents across Texas. She has over 16 years of clinical experience, 15+ peer-reviewed publications, and is a former academic medicine professor. She also has a daughter, two cups of coffee a day, and says the wrong thing on a regular basis.